Death

I hate to mention death but death is a part of life. I think about it constantly. What if I died? what if someone I loved died what would I do? how would I carry on? I can't answer any of those questions. I am still in shock at the fact that his friend has died. It made me think closely about what he's doing over there. I count the hours until the phone rings. He's so important to me, he's my rock. I never let myself think too much about it, I start crying but it's definitely something I think about, especially considering the circumstances.


I don't know how I would react or even live life knowing I'll never see that person again. The shock of having someone past away is debilitating. I am a firm believer that you must tell people how much you love them and how they make you feel when they are here on earth. The fact of never seeing the person again is mind-blowing. I wish i could see my grandmother just one more time, just to see her face. That's why I love videos. They capture the person just as they were at that point in time, their mannerisms, they're laughter. I made a private video for Josh on our One yr anniversary chronicling what we've been through, pictures, videos, etc. It made us laugh, cry and smile. I love to take videos and I took some weird videos and some very emotional videos at random times throughout our relationship. Not so much to just take a video but to look back and to see how we were. When we're 60 and 70 yrs old, we'll tell people hey that was us! I certainly know, dating someone who's in harm's way how precious each moment is, why not capture it. It will be a reminder for me or even for him if I were to past, how we were.

Josh has a tattoo on his arm that says 'Born to Die". To anyone else not doing what he does, its a pessimistic view on life however to him, its a grim reality he has to bear. Having friends who have died at 23 or 24 years of age he has coped with it but I haven't. I'm learning more and more that death is the only thing that is promised to everyone, when it comes we have to prepared to move on. However no one can be fully prepared to move on and that's a scary reality.